Eels - Souljacker Part I

The simple solution for disappointment depression: Get up and get moving. Physically move. Do. Act. Get going. - Peter McWilliams

Corrosion Of Conformity - Albatross

Be entirely tolerant or not at all; follow the good path or the evil one. To stand at the crossroads requires more strength than you possess. - Heinrich Heinem

Never lose the momentum that you have. It's a long road back up that steep hill.

Home again, or am I?

"You can always come home."

I've always thought that it was possible. Even knowing that over the years of visiting, everything and everyone has changed. What is the enticement of going home? I've learned that it's just the memories of all the good times that were had. The memories of the people and the places that were the fun and comforting things that happened on a daily basis. Just as I've changed with time so has everyone else and all the places of the past. Some people have changed more than others. Some places aren't even places anymore.

So what else brings a person to wanting to come home again? Sometimes it seems like the most rational thing to do. You're in a situation that doesn't seem to be going anywhere and you want a reset. You think that, by going home, you can start anew. The part you don't think about is that nothing changes, you're just in a different place. There are no magical qualities about being home that can change your situation. You're still wandering aimlessly trying to figure out who you are or what you are going to do.

You don't think about how people have changed and all the things you've missed out on. Other than the slim number of people you've actually tried to keep in touch with, you have no idea what has happened to the majority of others that are still here. It's impossible to keep up with everyone but it's the memories of them that linger. Just as I'm no longer the big funny man I used to be, I'm sure others are no longer the way they once were.

Being home is nothing like you remember once you're gone for very long. It's a fun place to go for memories and to catch up but is it a place to return to?

Remember that concert t shirt you have packed away from that show you went to when you were 15? You keep it around for the memories but it doesn't fit anymore. So you pack it away in hopes that you might run across it again or in hopes that it might fit again some day. Coming home is kind of like that. You know it's there and you hope that you might be able to revisit it. Sometimes you find that you've just outgrown it or it doesn't fit as you hoped it would.

Time change, people change and attitudes change. People are still people. They're still the people you remember just different. Just like myself, they've grown up and seen different things. Some are less open minded, some are more closed off and many have new responsibilities that don't allow them to be what they were or do things you want them to be able to do. That's life and that's how things are. Which changes the thoughts that helped to bring about the entire coming home inspiration.

I'd dare to say that most people don't think about all these things when they think about coming home. After all, it's usually a pretty selfish idea to begin with. I want to go home because I need to. I want to go home to get centered and find myself. I want to go home to have fun again. I want to go home to be home.

Overall, home is where ever you want home to be. If you're not having fun or things aren't going the way you want them to go, it's your own fault. There are no magical start over buttons. There are just memories of how things used to be and actions to make what you want become what you have.

Sometimes even I have to remind myself of all these things. Even I have succumbed to that magical reset button. Now it's up to me to relieve myself from it's trap.

The time has come. I've started to look up information on renting a van for the move to Vegas. Finding some cheaper rates than I did 6 months ago. Right around $800 for a van for a week isn't too bad. Even though I'd rather just buy my own and drive out.

It looks like April 19th will be the start date. Now I just need to decide if I am going to drive through Austin to see family on the way through or if I just take the direct route to Vegas. Going through Austin would be nice, I haven't seen a lot of that family in a decade or more. Plus, if I go through Austin I figured I'd go through Roswell as I head to Vegas. I've always wanted to visit Roswell ever since I was a kid and heard about the UFO crash.

I originally told work that April 4th would be my last day. Well, they haven't found any replacements yet and the bar is closed for a week so I'm sticking around for a little while longer. Not much longer because I've given them more than enough notice and it's not really my responsibility to wait on them to find replacements. Otherwise I'd be sitting there when I'm 40 waiting for that big break.

As for today, it's a very bright, sunshiny day out in Chicago. Strangely enough I have nothing to do other than look up trip info. I'm trying not to do much to save money. Although I do feel like sitting at a picnic table, drinking coffee and drawing up plans for some kind of mechanical thing that would be over built so it never wears out. Which is what my Dad used to do whenever he was about to build something he could of just went an bought for $50. What ever it was he was building would always end up being 300lbs and built out of steel. Even if it was a coat rack.

So I guess it's time to start putting my own ads out for a replacement. Time to get this ball rollin'.

Sans Auto.

Well, as it turns out my car got towed. So I am now without transportation. I made the trip out to Aurora last Monday with a little help from my friend Krys. She drove me out there so I could sign the title over to the tow yard. The tow an storage fees were over $350 so I just signed it over. I bought the car 6 or 8 years ago for $250 so I got my moneys worth out of her.

Not having a car really isn't a big deal when it comes to being in Chicago. It just feels like a large inconvenience. I'm not a fan of leaving an hour before I need to be somewhere when it only takes 15minutes by car. Also, not having a car makes the trips from the city to the U of Woo extremely long. What was an hour and a half drive becomes an almost 4 hour trip. So I'm partially looking for a vehicle as April approaches.

Why is April so important? Well, I've decided that I no longer want to work the door and I've put April as my deadline.

I want to make it clear that this isn't anything personal with the place that I work at. I like working there and I like the people I work with. It's just that I've been working a 4am door for 6 years now. It tends to take a toll on your personal life when you actually take the job seriously. It limits the time you have to do things such as go to shows, go to dinners, and most any other social events that take place after 8pm. Taking days off work are rare as paying rent and bills are a priority. Even still, we don't usually have the man power to cover shifts. Then again, I'm pretty anti-social these days and one could say these are just excuses to not have to go to a crowded place that is loud and most of the people have been drinking a lot. At a point you begin to call this, going to work without getting paid.

So in April I'll see what I have laid out in front of me and go from there. Will I just be getting a new job and staying in the city? Will I be moving back to the small town? Will I be heading to Vegas finally? I guess we'll find out once it happens. What ever happens it will be quiet and I won't be doing another going away party. It seems those parties jinx me every time they happen.

I'm starting to find out more about jobs that are available and what's needed to get them in Vegas. Who knows, maybe you'll see me in the background on one of those rehab shows. Maybe it'll be the big break I've always wanted.

Wait.. I never really wanted that.

Nevermind...

Immanent Resolve?

Last Tuesday I left pretty late to make it from Chicago to the U of Woo. I stopped off in Aurora to fill up the gas tank and add some oil as I usually do. When I left from the gas station the car filled up with smoke and I had a 2 block trail of smoke behind me. Ol' Bessie finally gave up. Figures she'd do so as I just got done putting $35 worth of fuel in her.

So she's sitting in a well lit area and I called the business to let them know that it'll be a few days before I can get to her. Aurora is at least an hour from my Mom's house and about that far from the city. I just need to get the info to drop her off at the junkyard. She was a good car and a great investment. I bought her 8 years ago for $250 and I got more than my money's worth out of her.

So now I'm without a car and to get back an forth from the city to my Mom's house I'll be using Amtrak. The closest station is Mendota, IL which is about an hour from here. Then it's back to the rat race of public transportation, which I haven't done in about 8 years. I'm not looking forward to it.

This also brings about the thinking of how much of a pain in the ass it is to couch surf and do so much traveling for a job that I'm burnt out on. It's not that I don't like the job I have, it just gets really boring and aggravating after six years. So without a car it's making it easier to push up the date that I retire from the doorway (again). Not that I'd be against bumping up to a different position.

I was looking into a bar that was for sale in a small town near here. It had a back room for bands, a full kitchen, an attached apartment, full bar and all the appliances for $60k. A steal by any means. Of course as soon as I started looking up the info it was sold. So there goes that idea.

So now the decision has to made very soon. Do I finally leave or do I just give in and stay complacent? Granted, all it'd take for things to be different is a little change whether professionally or personally. But nothing has changed in six years. If I stay I can be comfortable. I have a job that pays well (if I don't take any nights off for shows or other things), I can afford an apartment, I have friends an family nearby and I'll be able to catch up on other things. If i decide to go then I have a job lined up, a place to stay until I'm on my feet and a friend. Either way seems to be weighing out the same.

I've been told to just go and see how it works out. "Dude.. you can always come back. You'll always have a job here." It could be that simple if it wasn't so far away. Figuring it'll cost about a grand to move (car rental, food, lodging), it'll cost about that much to move back. Not really a small cost. I've been through all the different thoughts about going there for a while then moving and so on. I'm not a fan of that. It's either go or don't. So the thoughts continue.

So on that note, I'll be heading to the Amtrak station in about an hour to head to the city.

I get to babysit a ton of people this weekend who want to think they are Irish.

hip hip hooray...

Back?

Well, it's been almost a year since I put anything on this blog. Strange enough to say but not much has really happened in that whole time except for the last 6 months. So here's a quick update.

September 09

• I finally quit working the door at Estelle's in progress of moving to Las Vegas.
• I had a going away party at Estelle's that was very successful. If you were there I thank you and I swear, I am leaving some time. (Technically I did leave. I just haven't made it to where I want to be yet, physically or mentally.)
  
• I packed up all my stuff and moved to the U of Woo to prep for the move to Vegas.

October 09

• I decided to finally get my teeth fixed. I started the process to get them removed.
• I spend time in and around Dixon with old friends.

November 09

• More appointments are made for more dental work. 2nd round of tooth removal.
• I spend the first birthday in 8 years sober and not playing grabass with random people and friends. It wasn't as fun as everyone always told me it used to be.

December 09

• After spending 3 months at my Mom's house and having recurring monthly bills, I find that funds are running low. I go back to work at Estelle's. First two weeks are without any teeth in my head.
• I begin the process of finding couches to crash on while in Chicago. Based on the thought that if I get an apartment I'll end up back in the same routine.
  
• Christmas time and I get my new teeth! Best present I've given myself in decades.
• New Year's Eve off. First time in a decade. Ended up at Double Door and had a great time. Local H and Electric Six played.
  

January 09

• I continue the process of crashing on couches so as to not just stay working the door. I do this because I know I'm a creature of habit and ease.
  

February 09

• I decide that I will be leaving for Vegas during the 3rd week of March. This way I can swing through Austin and see family as I go. Plus I might catch some of SXSW.
• Departure date postponed so Estelle's can have more time to find replacements. Now I'm planning on April 1st to be my last day working the door at Estelle's.

So that's basically all that's been going on with me in a nutshell. I'm sure I've left out a lot of things but these are the important ones.

In other news, I'm slowly putting the word out that I'm looking for a bar management or security management job. I think that might be enough to keep me around Chicago. Keep you around Chicago? Yep. I have no plans set in stone. I'm open to possibilities as long as the possibilities are worthwhile.

I'm glad that I didn't find a sublease or an apartment when I came back. Even though it would make things a lot easier, if I had I'd be stuck. I'm already burnt out on the door again. I'm in need of more stimulation in some form.